November 21–28, 2005 — Until I find someone new

After the doctor said I could leave, I went to see E        . The bus to the clinic had passed within a block of her house. I walked back along the bus route, calling from a coffee shop, from the same phone I always used to call from.

I’d emailed the day before and we’d decided to meet for dinner since I’d be so close by. I’d forgotten her house number, but I recognized her house. I already forget whether I knocked or whether there was a bell to ring. I think I knocked.

She answered the door in a towel and apologized for not being ready.

She went into the washroom, got dressed and did her hair. I sat in her room. Her room looked different. I was lying across her bed when she came out of the washroom. She looked different, too.

I don’t remember what happened in what order, but she ended up lying down beside me and we ended up holding hands the way people who are used to holding hands seem to do without thinking. We’d held hands the last time we’d been alone together, almost two years before.

After that, we kissed. Eventually her mother came home. We left and went to a restaurant near my apartment to eat dinner.

At my apartment, we kissed again. She told me she thought I was just using her because I needed someone to makeout with. She asked me if I wanted to date her, and I said I didn’t, that I wouldn’t be able to trust her. She told me she didn’t like me enough, anyway.

She left.

A few days later, I stayed at her house. I woke up in her bed on the morning of my birthday.

Her mother told me she thought if anyone could encourage E         to care about university and to do her homework, it was me. I don’t remember what I said. I remember thinking I could never affect E         that much, even if it was what her mother might have wanted.

There was one more night after that. It reminded me too much of past nights, of some of the things she’d done. I told her I didn’t want to talk to her anymore and changed my mind a day or two later. I talked to her online.

She told me she knew I liked her more than she liked me, and I thought about her accusing me of using her so I’d have someone to kiss.

I haven’t talked to her since.