September 23–25, 2005 — Foreign languages

I sometimes receive emails or text messages that weren’t meant for me, that were meant for friends or acquaintances. Most of the time I forward the message on to the right person. But when the message was meant for the sender’s girlfriend or boyfriend, I can’t. I ignore the message and pretend I never received it, such is my dread at revealing that I know how these two people communicate when they don’t think anyone else is watching or listening.

All the nicknames and terms of endearment — I’ve never been able to understand any of it.

The etiquette and social awkwardness leading up to relationships confuses me. I think it gets worse as we get older. Some nights I’ll go dancing with Trisha, and those are the most baffling nights. I’ve taken to carrying around an empty beer bottle to stop me from playing with my hands (and to look a bit more like I might be drinking). I watch what other people are doing, how things are supposed to work. I never really catch on.

One night we were dancing and a girl started dancing with me, but I didn’t really notice. Trisha nudged me and pointed with her eyes. I had no idea what to do. I tried dancing with her, but I don’t think I know how to dance. I guess most people don’t, but I felt everyone could see how especially bad at it I am.

The girl never once looked directly at me. She was right in front of me, and she would look to my left, turn her head, look to my right, and never make eye contact. I almost laughed; I kept dancing and wondered if I looked disinterested enough. Eventually I walked away.

Trisha told me I was supposed to talk to her. I really don’t understand how that sort of conversation starts. In movies I guess people offer to buy each other drinks, but I didn’t think I could fake that. She started dancing with me again. I didn’t let it last as long this time. I walked away.

The next day I was at work making smoothies while someone else cut fruits and vegetables beside me. She asked me if I had a girlfriend; I said no, not for a couple of years.

“No potential candidates?” she asked.

I laughed.

“That’s not really the problem. It’s convincing them to date me that I’m not very good at,” I told her.

“Well, that’s part of your problem right there”

“Which part?”

“Do you really think you could be with someone you had to talk into giving you a chance?”

And maybe she’s right. But it’s been a long time since I’ve known another way of going about it.

Or maybe I should talk to the girls who dance with me. Maybe that would be a good start. I just need to learn which lines I’m supposed to lead with.