July 25–31, 2003 — Every failing feeling

The last few weeks have surprised me, and I have made a lot of decisions that I didn’t expect myself to make.

Part of it started when I tried to convince myself that I am better in social situations than I really am. I decided to go with Cuff The Duke to Guelph for a festival they had been invited to play, and Jeff arranged for me to be listed as a crew member, complete with a laminated pass and a hotel room to myself.

The night before, I wasn’t capable of packing or getting ready to leave. No part of me was able to pretend I was still going. There are a lot of things that I am hiding from, and the only way I could sleep that night was by promising myself that I was staying home that weekend.

I told Jeff the next morning that I had too much work to do, that I would try to take a bus to Guelph the next morning to see some of the other bands. When I told him, I wasn’t really lying — I felt so much better after sleeping that I was once again capable of self-deception, and that got me through the morning. After Jeff left, though, I knew I was staying home. It was for the best.

I heard a lot of stories from the weekend, and some made me sad for having stayed home while others helped me remember my reasons, thin though they may be. And besides, I’ve never been very good at tolerating the types of festivals that encourage drumming circles. Though if only the shirt Marika gave me with “I hate hippies” written across the front weren’t so small, I’d’ve at least had the perfect outfit for the weekend...

And speaking of effortless segues, it looks as though Marika and I will be taking a bus to New York City next week. Calling Marika and saying I would like to go along reminded me of the day I gave notice to my landlord — I was agreeing to something without really thinking about the consequences because I knew it would probably be good for me in the end.

Really, though, I’m not going to end up homeless or back in Richmond because of this trip; I only looked back and forth from Marika’s phone number to my phone for such a long time because a few months ago this was the sort of trip I would refuse to take even with my closest friends. Which isn’t to say that I’m not friends with Marika; nonetheless, aside from meeting up at shows and parties, we’d never made plans to spend time together before, and our current plan involves two twelve-hour bus rides and six days in a foreign city. Also, because we are staying with Trisha in New York and because Trisha is better friends with Marika than with me, I am left with the possibility of awkward silences and afternoons wondering what I’m doing in another country with people who could do without me. (Though perhaps it won’t come to that.)

I’m pretty optimistic about the whole thing, surprised though I am to admit it. Because of a money order I received in the mail that can only be cashed in the US, my spending money for the week is taken care of; also, we’re staying at Trisha’s for free and the bus to New York is only going to cost $260 CDN between the two of us, so the worst-case scenario is a week in New York City with a very minimal investment. And it could be a lot of fun. I almost think it will be.

I’m making an effort.