March 11–19, 2003 — Like snow, like gold

I talked to my mom on the phone last week: We cursed the cold and tried to figure out where I plan to live in May. She asked whether I’ve been feeling alright lately, something I’ve never been very good at talking about, and I don’t remember what I said. I don’t think I gave an answer.

After that, the cold and uncertainty lasted another week.

I tried to fight the cold by leaving the house. I tried very hard to do something each day and not to allow myself to be beaten by the weather, but it is very tiring to put on so many layers and to shiver my way to a place that is little more than an excuse to leave the house. When it was still cold on Friday, I’d stopped believing winter would end.

The sun came out on Saturday, but it didn’t matter: I was trapped indoors, left to process returns and to resent the fact that I couldn’t leave work until after the sun went down.

On Sunday, though, I felt better as the sun started to affect me. I was standing on a concrete divider with three lanes of traffic on either side, waiting for a gap in traffic, humming a Modest Mouse song to myself and smelling the snow as it melted. The water from the melted snow was cutting paths through the ice, and I thought about being in kindergarten, about making paths through the sand until they connected with a large puddle and then watching the tiny canals, lakes and ravines fill with rainwater.

Saturday, Sunday and Monday were the warmest days we’ve had in months, and I worked until the sun set on all three days; Tuesday was to be my first real day of spring.

Tuesday was colder than Monday, but I refused to wear more than a hoodie to keep me warm. I went downtown with Jeff; I bought more hoodies in preparation for spring and insisted that we walk on the sunny side of the street so that I wouldn’t have to admit to wishing I’d worn a jacket.

Jeff had returned from Texas and SXSW the day before, so it was our first chance to talk since he’d left. We finally discussed whether or not I’d be moving in with him, and it looks as though it’s pretty likely at this point. Dates and times still need to be figured out, but I don’t think I’ll be escaping Toronto as soon as I once thought. Which is probably for the best.

And that resolves the cold and my living arrangements after April 30.

As for the rest of it... I’ve lost track of the many theories as to why I’m so moody, and I would have a very long list if I’d kept track of all the mental problems I deny having or am pretending to have depending on who I talk to.

I think I’m fine. Right now, I feel fine. Maybe that’s enough.