May 29–June 8, 2002 — Don’t believe in why

Hmm. A long two weeks, I’ll give it that. I’ve been to Ottawa and back, launched punkottawa.com, cleaned my room, and bought a printer. All sorts of excitement; I even had notes on what I was going to write about — I had great rants about the evils of the Canadian postal system and Epson’s ink cartridge scams. Except that I don’t really think I’m in the right frame of mind to write about any of that at the moment.

Getting right to the point, Kerry told me on Thursday night that she wasn’t happy being in a relationship with me anymore. I’d seen this coming for a few days, but I still mostly thought we’d be able to work through our problems. Things weren’t the same as they had been at the beginning, but I didn’t think it was beyond us to return to happier times. Kerry saw things differently, though, and didn’t want this to be hanging over her during her summer in Guelph. None of which I could really argue with.

We cried a bit on the phone until she finally hung up. Then I cried into my pillow for a few minutes, more than I had in a long time. It mostly hit me when I realized that I’d never hear her voice again and feel better. At best I’d feel numb. But for awhile yet, it will hurt at least a little bit.

I regained my composure and started walking. I went to Jeff and Amy’s house, and Amy came walking with me. She bought me ice cream and we walked for two hours or so. I didn’t tell her what had happened until we were back at her house and I was getting ready to go home — I didn’t really want to talk about it, and I still don’t, but I needed to be outside and I didn’t feel like being alone.

I made it home three hours after I’d left, completely exhausted. I fell asleep without having time to think about much of anything.

On Friday I was resolved to get on with things. I continued sorting out my room, and I left the house early to see Dogtown and Z-Boys on my way to the Beth Orton concert that night.

I had mostly decided a month or so ago not to see Beth Orton. I hadn’t listened to her CD in awhile, and certainly not as obsessively as I used to. But I was in Rotate This on Wednesday afternoon killing time before work and the people in front of me in line bought two tickets, surprising me because I thought the show would have been sold out by then. So I decided to be (at least vaguely) spontaneous and buy myself a ticket. On the off chance that Kerry would be able to visit on Friday night, I decided to buy her a ticket, too, not wanting to tell her she couldn’t visit because I was going to a concert alone.

The tickets were the most expensive I’ve bought in awhile, but I decided it would be worth it. Reliving my teenage years and all that.

After Thursday night, I had considered just selling both of my tickets; I didn’t really feel up to going to a show alone. But I talked myself out of that idea on Friday afternoon and tried to feel comfortable standing in line by myself a few hours later.

Luckily, the show was sold out by Friday night and I had no problem selling my extra ticket to a girl in line. (I actually just told the girl behind me in line that I had an extra ticket and she went off to find a person she’d seen looking for a ticket a few minutes before. I didn’t even have to move from my spot, and I made a profit of $0.75 on the sale! I’ll make a great scalper yet.)

It was a strange crowd. I stood near the front, with a middle-aged couple to my right, a teenage couple from Ottawa in front of me, and an obsessive Beth Orton fan from Philadelphia to my left. Everyone was very friendly, and I didn’t feel nearly as awkward as I thought I would. I talked to the middle-aged couple about Toronto smoking by-laws and listened as the girl from Philadelphia explained her plans to see Beth Orton six or seven more times before the end of the month.

When Beth Orton started playing, I realized how silly of me it had been to consider not going to the show. Everyone seemed so happy to be there, and it was a very contagious feeling. Even the band, who I expected to be a bit hardened from so much touring, was smiling and having a good time. The bass player looked like a very serious (and very British) fellow, but after five or six songs he started dancing and giving his stand-up bass an occasional spin when he had a break between bass parts. I found it difficult not to smile, and I tried dancing a bit, too — dancing of the embarrassing, feet-in-one-place variety that’s the only option at a crowded show, but dancing nonetheless. I felt alive.

After the show, the promoters were selling tickets to a Beth Orton concert in August for $15, so I bought one for myself before starting on my way home. I figured it was the least I could do.

And then Saturday marked the beginning of my three-day run at work. After Monday, I have five consecutive days off, and a bunch of kids from Ottawa will be visiting for a night on their way to a fest somewhere in the US.

I’m hoping for a better week this time around.