May 14–21, 2002 — Self-medicated

It was sunny when I woke up yesterday with a headache and a feeling that the weather was going to change. Then the sky became dark and it looked like rain for most of the day.

My headache didn’t go away on its own, like I’d hoped it would. By noon, I felt like I was going to throw up and I couldn’t concentrate. I eventually gave in and took some ibuprofen. One tablet.

It had been months and months since I’d last taken a pill for anything, vitamins excluded. By the time I was ready to leave for work, my headache was still in full force, and my legs felt very weak. The walk to the subway station seemed a lot longer than usual.

Feeling like I could collapse at any time, I quickly picked the smoothie with the most calories and made it for myself. It was one with a bit of coffee in it, too, so I worried about what the caffeine would do to me. My body’s still not very used to caffeine, and I’ve heard it’s bad for headaches.

In the end everything turned out fine. The ibuprofen kicked in and my headache went away, and an hour or so after drinking my smoothie I didn’t feel weak anymore.

But I felt a bit medicated and unnatural for the rest of the night, and I stayed up later than I should have talking on AIM.

I blame it on the caffeine.

The last week went quickly. On some (but not most) days I got a lot done, and I felt happy sometimes, though I mostly felt a bit helpless. But I liked the week all the same.

There were lots of strange little moments that made life in Toronto not seem like such a terrible thing: While walking down Ossington Street one night at 2:00 am, I could hear someone singing over the sound of my CD player. I took off my headphones and listened as I walked. It sounded sounded sad, the way that I imagine opera music sounds, though I’m not familiar enough with opera music to really say for sure. As I got closer to the singing, I realized it was coming from a bus shelter. An Asian man was inside, singing to no one in particular. I smiled to myself and continued walking. I could hear him singing until I put my headphones back in at the end of the street.

The Three Gut house party last Saturday night gave me a bit of the same feeling. Watching Royal City and Cuff the Duke play in a living room, I felt like I was part of something I’d probably never be part of again. Royal City did their back-up vocals without microphones, and everyone sang “Happy Birthday” to Paul in between Cuff the Duke songs. I doubt I’ll ever see a show like that again, but I hope I’m wrong.

Meanwhile, I finally dropped off antigreg and Cuff the Duke t-shirt designs (along with boxes of blank shirts) to be printed. They should be done later this week. Hauling boxes of shirts on the subway and then dropping them off at the house of the person printing them made me feel happy, like I was getting something done. I want to start doing more things like this.

Matt (of m@b fame) had told me about the person who printed his shirts, so I went to the same guy. Very independent and still within the rather pitiful antigreg budget; it all worked out quite well. I didn’t want to go through a huge, faceless printing company, anyway.

After seeing all the printing equipment in the t-shirt person’s house, I was almost inspired to try making pins for people as a business of sorts. I’d like to learn how to silkscreen posters, too. It was a very inspiring visit in general, and it gave me a bit of hope that I might not end up working in an office for thirty years if I really don’t want to.

Kerry visited for a few hours on the day of the Three Gut house party. I finished cleaning my room (more or less) before she arrived, and we had enough space to play Scrabble on the floor. We went to the house party together, and then she went home. I think I might be visiting her this weekend, but I’m not sure of the details yet. I haven’t really talked to her since she left. It’s very nice to know that I have the option, though. My new schedule at work has improved my quality of life considerably.

And, while we’re on the topic of my new schedule at work, I’ve devised a clever (to me?) way of budgeting my money that will hopefully ensure I don’t run out of it now that I’m only working three days a week. It revolves around cashing my cheques as soon as I receive them (rounding down to the nearest $20 and putting the rest in the bank) and keeping the money in labeled bunches in my room. So I know how much money I need for rent and how much I have for food. I was spending too much money by depositing the cheques in the bank because I wouldn’t think ahead to the first of the month when rent would be due and I’d just keep spending money.

This works much better.

Now if I could just figure out how to get rid of some of my clothes, I’ll be leading a more organized life than I have in a long, long time...