April 19, 20, 21, and 28, 2001 — Exhaustion (and some better things)

I spent the days leading up to Saturday, the day that I would meet Erika, by distracting myself with the Internet and by putting together something to give her when we did meet in person. The latter ended up bringing me to Etobicoke so that I could use the free laser printers at Humber College. I was busy enough that time moved quickly. Erika told me on Wednesday that she had broken up with her boyfriend of several years, so I had a lot on my mind.

Erika and I had arranged to meet at the Sherbourne subway station at 11:00 am on Saturday morning. I arrived about forty minutes early and passed the time trying to figure out why it was that some trains made the station extremely windy while others didn't make it windy at all. I never really figured it out.

Erika arrived at around 11:00 am, and we headed east on the subway. We went to a park in Scarborough, but the weather wasn't really on our side -- it was cold and windy, and neither of us had dressed for it. Eventually giving into the weather, we made our way back to the subway and rode around for several hours. Jeff has made a point of teasing me about this to no end, but I don't really see where else we could have gone.

Parts of that first day seemed fairly awkward. I wasn't entirely sure where things stood since she had ended another relationship so very recently, and I had too much going through my mind to know exactly how I felt. I know that that's a complete cop-out, but it's the truth.

We made plans to meet at High Park on the following Saturday, and everything made a lot more sense that day. I couldn't help but smile as soon as I saw her waiting in the subway station, and the entire day seemed more relaxed. Without first impressions to worry about and with a (relatively) warm and sunny day waiting for us outside, we were able to spend almost the entire day in the park exploring and talking. Silences didn't seem so awkward, and I was a lot more comfortable with physical contact. It was a perfect day.

After the first Saturday we had been together, I spent the subway ride home worried about what was going to happen and wondering if I'd thrown Erika's life into upheaval for nothing. After this Saturday, I just felt happy. And I missed her.

I still feel very guilty for a lot of things that have happened. I feel terrible for my role in ending Erika's previous relationship. I wonder sometimes if I was just supposed to walk away, if disappearing would have been the "proper" thing to do.

I don't think there is a right answer.

It's going to be a long summer.

Oh. And I guess there's a journal for the week between each Saturday that you could read as well...