March 6-7, 2001 — All bloodied up

I have a calculus midterm tomorrow that I can't bring myself to study for. I haven't done any work in calculus since the exam at Christmas, and I haven't attended any lectures since September, so I should have probably started studying quite some time ago. I'd planned to study at least for a little while today. But it just hasn't happened, and I doubt it will. Here's to getting out of university what you put into it...

I've been so frustrated with school lately that I don't even want to talk about it beyond this. Assume I fail my calculus test tomorrow -- I don't plan to say anything more about it again in either case outside of this entry.

In other news, I've not been in the shiniest of moods these past few days. As is quite evident from the beginning of this journal. All I want to do is sleep. And to wake up to find that the snow is gone. And to have my bike again.

The air feels so stale here and it's never quiet. It's so hard to be find a place to be alone, too; I tried spending some time on the subway today, but it didn't work. I would get frustrated whenever people sat near me, and I didn't have my CD player (because I don't have any batteries), so I could hear what people were saying and I would get even more upset. I get very fidgety in situations like that and I'm still having a difficult time sitting still even now that I'm back in my room. All in all, I just don't feel very psychologically healthy at the moment.

I did finally receive my Equalvision order today, so I guess maybe that's something. I got a Saves The Day hoodie and a Bane t-shirt. Nathan got the same t-shirt, and Johnston got a Converge hoodie. The package arrived in Toronto in late February, but Canada Post and the Victoria College postal people combined forces to keep it from me for an extra week, forcing me to swear countless times at the sight of an empty mailbox. I was checking the mail three times each day by the end. (I'm still expecting mail, though, so don't expect for this to stop.)

I've been staring at the screen with nothing to say for a good ten minutes since I wrote that last paragraph. Well, it's not so much that there's nothing to say. I just don't have a way to say it. I can't bring myself to put on a good face in spite of everything, or to try to be funny or interesting or worth listening to. All I can think about is how much time I've wasted, and it makes me feel sick.

I think I'll go make an attempt at convincing myself that there's something better than this. I might even pretend to believe it long enough to learn trigonometrical integration, too. Thank goodness for that.