November 10, 2000 — Regret and disappointment, but not so bad in the end

I woke up this morning and did not feel well. My digestive system wasn't working properly and I almost fell out of the shower (again) since I was feeling very weak and dizzy and generally unhealthy. That I was short on sleep didn't help, and that my dinners were back to their typical, near-anorexic levels thanks to the wonders of Victoria food plan just added to the fun.

So basically, my plan to get in a few hours of studying in the morning and at least be able to say I tried on the test was foiled at the last moment. I ended up going to breakfast, almost throwing up, dropping a glass of orange juice because I was too tired and weak to hold it properly, and then hopped back into bed, wishing Johnston good luck on the test. (A quick sidenote to the people who'd like to claim that my vegetarianism is directly to blame for this: I had blood tests and whatnot before I moved to Toronto in September and I was fine. So if there's a problem now, I blame the food plan I'm on and not my actual eating habits. And I'll be fine next year for sure. It was just a bad day...)

So I got a bit more sleep and felt a lot better when I woke up again. Unfortunately, I then had my dad call to ask me how I did on the test. He was fairly willing to accept that I was just going to drop the class and didn't seem too angry with me, but I definitely feel like I'm letting people down with this. But I still know that the chemistry course I was in would've killed me by the end of the year, so I think this was the only way. I'd actually told my parents last night that I'm thinking of taking some time off next year to decide what I want to do about this whole university thing and I think they took it reasonably well. On the one hand, I know I'm not really going to be living up to my potential if I drop out of science courses and try to do something else. But on the other hand, I can't stand the people I'm with and the silly competition and general lack of empathy for other students is very difficult to deal with. So we'll see.

I just know that I at least need a year off if I'm going to dedicate myself to more means-to-an-end living and drag myself kicking and screaming through three more years of math and science. It's hard to sit down and realize that after almost nineteen years on this silly little planet, I've very few life experiences beyond videogames and the Internet, and I've never seen anything. It's just been school, work, Internet for so long that I need to try something new. I've never been on a plane or kissed a girl or travelled further south than New York, further east than Nova Scotia. And I'm willing to put some effort into changing this. Hopefully.

Well, now that that's out of my system, there's my post-CHM151Y life to talk about (oh sure, I haven't officially dropped it yet, but I've dropped it in my heart). I talked to Gillian on and off again through the afternoon. She has free Internet access and a Webcam now, so communication is infinitely easier. I still think about her about as much as before (which is to say, quite often), but now she's actually around to talk to more often.

Later on in the afternoon, Caitlin called to arrange for us to meet up while her friend was watching a basketball game. I didn't have time to make her a copy of the Toronto Radiohead concert like I'd hoped to, but I still remembered to bring stickers and the Lain tape I'd made for her and a copy of the Equalvision sample tape that had first gotten me into Saves The Day. So it's not like I was completely useless about things.

This time I got to be worried about getting lost trying to find the Ryerson basketball court she'd be waiting nearby (instead of last time's showing-up-late nonsense). But it worked out better this time, so all is well.

We walked around Yonge Street for awhile and eventually ended up back at Ryerson. We ran into Laura and Nathan, who gave Caitlin the tour since she's thinking of going to Ryerson in a couple of years. Always a good time.

After Caitlin had to head off, I ate at the Pita Pit, rudely woke Laura up, and have ended up in her room, with her computer running slightly faster now and with a lot more colours on the screen at one time, typing out my journal.

On the surface, this is a fairly boring and useless journal. But all this to say that I've actually had a fairly social day and I don't want to punch people or otherwise snap. And I'm pretty proud of myself for this. So yup. No chemistry anymore, I can deal with people, and I've someone who I'm happy just thinking about. Things could be worse.