September 29, 2000 — Camping and other perversions

We finally have two Internet connections in my room in residence. But at an incredible cost to my dignity and will to live. Allow me to explain:

A wiring guy came to our room at around 10:30AM. I had to answer the door because Johnston was busy defeating the forces of evil in "The Legend of Zelda." Much cursing ensued as the wiring person decided that there were problems with the line in the basement and that he'd have to come back at 1:30PM after checking all the lines.

A few hours later, the horror began. There were two people in charge of wiring and a psychotic, overweight woman who works for Burwash, the residence in which we're living. Johnston started reading a newspaper so as to avoid talking to her and I couldn't find anything to distract myself with, so I got fucked over. She was the most terrifying person in history, with the voice, as Johnston later said, of someone who had smoked since they were eight. I was almost willing to believe in some sort of benevolent force in the universe when Jeff visited shortly after Johnston had started reading the newspaper. I'd've hung myself with a length of Category-5 ethernet wire yesterday evening if I'd been forced to have a conversation with this woman on my own.

After Jeff srrived, she started talking about the "hot chicks" over in the other residences (just to review here, this is a woman who is more than a few years beyond her fortieth birthday, who weighs about as much as myself, Johnston, and Jeff combined, and who possesses a laugh that makes me wish I was deaf), and then somehow moved onto her theory that guys are looking more and more effeminate these days.

Sure, this sounds like it couldn't get much worse. But trust me, it can. Her next line of discussion was a hypothetical situation involving one of us living in Annesley, the all-girls residence. She gave a graphic description of us standing around in a towel as the girls undress. I once again thought, "It can't possibly get any worse than this." And then she started talking about "tenting." I believe the exact quote was, "But they'd find out soon enough, eh? You'd start tenting, eh? Then you'd be in trouble, eh?"

So, in short, I've stabbed my eyes out with a pen and poured battery acid into my ears to ensure I never have to hear or see this woman again.

Later that afternoon, Johnston began downloading Super Nintendo games, and we spent our Friday night buying gamepads for our computers and playing Super Nintendo. Don't pretend you're not jealous.

Jeff and Amy visited later that night, and Jeff was getting terrifyingly good at his impersonations of the "You'll get a tent, eh?" woman. Needless to say, he's no longer welcome in our room.

I went to sleep relatively early, while Johnston stayed up until 3:00AM so he could finish "TMNT: Turtles in Time." Again, we're cool.

With a day of anti-social behavior and coding to look forward to, I'll no doubt have endlessly fascinating stories to tell in today's journal. Stay tuned as the tedium continues.