June 21, 2000 — Remnants of nervous breakdowns

I just back from a walk around Richmond to try and clear my mind and get some fresh air. Even though it was almost 10:30PM when I was out, I still saw more power-walking mothers and drug-dealing teenagers than I'd've liked to see. No one jeered at me though, which was nice.

I still smell vaguely of mud and rain and sweat from earlier today. I went for a bike ride through the forest after the rain had slowed down a bit; this isn't really all that advisable since the bugs are horrid and, well, there's the mud issue, but I was feeling like a six-year-old at the time and it was worth it. On that trip, I did get jeered at, leaving today with 50% odds of my being hollered at from a pick-up truck while out of the house. I love Richmond.

Anyways. My day began with my obligatory final trip to St. Mark for the year to get my graduation gown. I was hoping to make a precision strike and get in and out without seeing anyone, student or teacher, that I knew. This plan fell apart in the parking lot, and only got worse inside when my algebra teacher rounded a corner at the wrong moment. I got a nice "You're just lucky you weren't in the room when I was marking your exam" speech; she asked me if my weekend prior to the exam was fun, saying it had better have been to justify my lack of preparation. I said it wasn't fun, but couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't be insulting, so I just smiled through the speech. Really, I don't regret it at all, since as I figure it, why should I a) still worry about something I can't change, or b) decide that it would be a good decision to waste my time preparing for an exam that doesn't mean anything. I've a lot larger things than bad outcomes on math exams to worry about, and even then I don't really harbour all that many regrets, so my life goes on.

Back to the grad gown, then. In short, the hat's too small and I look like a priest while wearing it. Admittedly, everyone will have the same problem, but it's still one more reason for me to not want to go. Looking like everyone else is never fun.

I got screwed out of going to see Virgin Suicides today since I had to pick up my sister when she finished work, and I'll get screwed out of seeing it tomorrow night because I've that grad ceremony nonsense to attend. Dammit. I read most of the book today; I'd've finished it, except the sun went down and I hate reading by artificial light. (No one claimed I made any sense.)

Despite the fact that I don't have any outstanding projects to worry about for school or work, I still feel stressed-out, like I'm forgetting something and my life is about to collapse.